Missing You.....

You know Dada, I always thought that I'm a flexible person,well adapted to change....and growth.....two inevitable faces of life.....But I accept, some changes, however gradual they might have been have still not become a pleasant part of my life....I'm still not able to cope with them because they're so irreversible......You have taught me, that everything in life has an advantage and a disadvantage......And I have learned it well....But somewhere....my emotions for you have stagnated.....frozen in those days.....when I had you, and a lot of you too.....Enough of you if I may say.....So much so that I couldn't see another person around me.....Dada is this....Dada is that.....Dada said this......Dada said that.....I should do this because he said it.....I shouldn't do this because he didn't want me to.......And you were right.......somewhere.....at the time when our love began to settle down....as a part of life......I didn't want it to be just a part of my life.....I wanted it to be the most important part of my life......Partly because our relation is celestial....partly because you filled in many holes....partly because I started feeling like I had a complete family.....Partly because I myself felt complete in your presence.....I donno.....None and too many to list out.....whatever it was.....We were travelling on the boat of survival, contending with the waves of betrayal and pain....on the river of our lives........Yet.....It  was the closest we got to each other.......There was a point,I still remember, when you very lovingly said, "You are an extension of me..."And never, after that did it happen again....If today, I was asked whether I was ready to have you back in that element if I had to pay the price of suffering the pain again, you know I'm mad enough to say yes.......Probably the intensity of my love has scared you always......Has made you keep me at a distance lately.....I don't quite know why......But whatever it is.......You have grown out of that stage....As a successful survivor which I'm happy about.....And a distant brother........Which I'm yet to digest.....I know it hurts you when I say this......But......probably it is because you're scared to open up to me anymore.......or you just don't feel the need to share your problems with me....probably I'm no doubt, an important part of your life...But something like....you know, the newspaper....or breakfast.....Something like I'm there because I have to be there, even if there's no need....because it is only when I mention this, or get angry with you, or make you upset or stop talking to you....that you realize that yea, probably I do need this girl......You know Dada.....I've had this very horrible feeling that our relation is becoming something like my first love.....and you know that didn't last that way....Maybe I'll still hang around in your life later because I'm your sister [thankfully not a blood relation coz probably then I'd have lesser importance and would be more of an obligation in your life] But do I want to be just that?No.....Probably I've never been asked or been given an option........But I still wanna say it........Today.....when I sat down to read some of our earliest conversations......I just broke down uncontrollably.....and surprisingly too.....I wondered why it is that I don't cry like this when I see any other person's conversations....even people who aren't a part of my life any more......And the only hapless explanation there is....is that there has never been anyone this important.....its so strange......That your care settled in me so deep.....This usually happens [probably always] with lovers.....or life partners or whatever.....It has happened with you too.....And that has I guess indeed brought you down to think that maybe I love you that intensely.....much more than a brother...much more than any other relation........I donno Dada....probably I do.....probably I do love more than I have loved anyone else irrespective of their relation with me........My love for you, is beyond the love for a parent, or a sibling, or a lover, or a friend.......I donno how far it has gone....or why....I donno if I was supposed to limit it because you or other people around would think otherwise about our relation......I donno....I donno if I should define my bond with you and give it a worldly name.......You never believed I'm sure.......But I worship you......More religiously than I worship God.....every little thing you do, every little part of your life, every wound, every smile, every exam, every pain......Its important to me.....very very important.......I would be lifeless without you........meaningless if I can be more precise......The way you loved me has left this deep a mark on my soul......probably because of the sensitive state of my mind at that time......Probably because I'd never ever been washed with so much of security....Probably because no one ever kissed my forehead so beautifully or held me tight so warmly.........probably because.....I could never trust anyone so intimately.....because I could never reach out until you.......probably no one ever saw me reach out before you....I donno why I chose it to be you to your utter misfortune :) ....But it just happened....when you first said, "Can I call you sis?" You're not just my perfect man, but also my perfect human being........the right amount of everything......I have genuinely told every man I've loved that you know,sometimes I wish you were like Dada.....One got irritated and jealous of you.....the other says am crazy about you......even went on to say, "Thank God for Rakhis" :) he he.......And I say nah, if he hadn't made me his sis,probably he'd be my boyfriend by now......But what I've never understood is.....why is it....that people who love each other and go on to become life partners are the only ones who can share everything and stay together? Why can't such a bond be there between a brother and a sister? Do I need to give our bond a different name to wish that?Isn't divine love a name strong enough to be of some significance?...but like the world shows [and I refused to believe it till I felt you trying to indicate the same thing] and you've said....I guess they put it that way.....which means I can't have you with me....beside me....close to me always.....Why I'm obsessed with that thought, I donno.....But right now,as I sit rubbing my irritated and wet eyes, I want nothing more than to be around you without saying anything....just observing you all day.....see how you talk to people...see you laugh.....see you smile....see you work.....see you eat and sleep[certainly not see you bathe, don't worry]......and I certainly hope to be invisible while doing that so that you don't get embarrassed as it always seems now....that's what I've felt in the past few months.....you're embarrassed to love me that intensely....But I don't want you to be....I'd rather you don't love me than be embarrassed.....I don't even know why I want to tell you all this......I don't know how badly you are going to react to this.....I don't know whether you'll give me too many explanations or be at loss of any if you read this.......All I really want you to know....is that I love you....and right now, I miss you more than anyone else......