Sealing the cracked barriers....

Today, I spoke to you...after how long,I'm not sure....All I know is that ever since then, I've been feeling unsettled....After so long...I wanted to try talking to you again....I asked you that, which I have always asked...I committed to myself," If today he says no, I'm not busy for you Sis, tell me...then I will ask him to take me back as a comfortable part of his life...but if he doesn't, dont have the thought again..." It was strange how my mind revolted the idea of being normal with you again and how my heart shamelessly hoped against hopes that you would say something as extraordinary as that....And extraordinary it was, because the ordinary happened...

Till late in the evening, there was a burning restlessness inside me...saying...just stop this....go to him....you need him....it is hurting you...how long will you run away from it?How long will you turn your back on that man? You cannot live without him...You know its not possible....But now, my heart has lost....And like a valiant failure, it is silent...and calm...the calmness after the storm has turned everything upside down prevails.......

I'm still looking at pictures of you and hanging on to each word of the poems you wrote to me...I'm still trying to look for and create an illusion of a brother through old chats....I still hold your bracelet to my heart and can't stop crying...I'm still trying relentlessly to tell myself that hey, those tears don't matter...I know that voice is stuck in your head....I know it has dissolved all the defences you had created with so much difficulty....But there is no point....The lights are out...Don't try to light the flame again....

You'll end up burning yourself....

Weathered memories...

Its been 10 days since I said goodbye...Everyday, in some form or the other, in a picture, a song, some forgotten lyrics, some old chats, a tinkling bracelet and a beautiful card...the only one I have....I have been seeing you around...I have not yet understood how to deal with your absence...Its been long since I dealt with the death of a relationship...And this one, I had given my life...

There have been several goodbyes before...But none have been so firm...This time, I don't know what was different...The conviction of my needlessness in your life...The height of listless frustration in the relationship...an unhealed disappointment....The completely erased picture of - Dada n Sis... I don't know...All I know for sure is that I have lost the capacity to face you without being overwhelmed with an emotion I dont want to familiarize with....I know when I felt like this last...It was long time ago...And I have not missed it at all...And yet, I just cant seem to dodge it...

I feel choked...almost like there is a noose choking my entire body...I squirm at your most leisurely interactions... And I dont know why I still seek the shadows in this over illuminated pandemonium of my life, whenever I think of you....All I know is that I need a place to hide away from that face...those eyes...that smile...

And the way you called me SiS.....

Happy Birthday...to a brother whose mine forever...

Dear Dadu
I know its late...This beautiful day has finally come to an end...But only on the calendar...In my heart, the significance of this date is perennial...Before everything else, let me wish you all the love and happiness in the world. May this year, and many years forth, bring you hope and joys that you have craved for....
We have been through many bumpy rides together...But thanks to the magic of "us", scars have begun to heal....Life seems easier with you close to me again Dadu...Its slow, but its for real....I'm beginning to feel you beside me again....within me...holding me close...shielding me from mishappenings....Maybe its because I'm trying really hard to understand you...Maybe its because you're trying really hard to show me how you feel....I donno....Maybe its both of us trying hard to hold on to each other....Whatever it is....Love doesnt just mean from me to you anymore.....It is from you to me as well...
You say you haven't been able to gift me anything.....I want to tell you that you cannot be more wrong than this....You dear brother, are my unique and unbelievably rare gift...When you are there, life seems refreshed each day....like the fresh breath of air after the first rains...In the days that have become a part of the recent past, the broken pieces have stopped hurting anymore....in fact, I've also managed to put some of them together to recreate that lost picture we had of us, in the frames of our hearts...
Something..somewhere within me...seems to be at peace....I finally have fewer complains in life...I guess, I can stop questioning fate for now....Because now..seems to feel much better....And you my dear brother,have done all of this...
So, on this blessed day I ask God to hold on to these precious, loving moments a tad bit longer...before spinning his time machine....so that I can relish ,in peace, being a part of a life that I'm proud of...A life that belongs to the indispensable you...I thank God....that I have the privilege of calling you my Dadu....
Happy Birthday Dadu!
With all the love my lil heart can give you..
Yours always
SiS.

A Place To Hide....

Dada, my magical brother,
Days, months and years are passing by...as I try to figure out why I'm getting lonelier by the moments...Is it me, or is this how life is supposed to be? I remember the times I encouraged you saying things in stark contrast of what I'm beginning to believe now...Is this the world for real? Is everyone going to stick to me only as long as I fulfil their whims and fancies? As long as I work at their beck and call? Will I be loved only if I fall at people's feet and stop questioning?
How long can I go with saying "NO" to all conventions Dada? I have definitely realized that my soul, my beliefs and my character are not just idealogically unconventional but completely out of place....which is probably why I feel sidelined in what I call "home" and feel lonely among those I call "friends"....
People suppress my whys dada....Im laughed at..Im scorned...My arguments for fair treatment are shoved off the shoulder as a teenage breakdown....But has life left me a teenager dadu? I feel exhausted at my "bloom"....Coz I seem to be blossoming into a decaying flower...which is shedding its petals with every storm.....Where emotions have turned their backs on me very comfortably....I confide in deaf minds...I hope of melting frozen hearts....My impossible dreams are reaching a new zenith of impossibility...And I dont know where it ends...
Im holding together bits of relationships that I really dont want to lose....But which are keen to abandon me....Im turning to people who have pushed me below their lowest of priorities...Im begging for a kind look and a warm embrace....
I need a recluse....Some calm and solace.....To gaze into the delights of life and fill my soul with fresh hopes....To live for myself....But...as easy and rational as that sounds...It is the most difficult thing in the world....I disagree to people who say you live only for yourself....When you turn at the last bend of life....your fears speak of what your loved ones would lose,not your aspirations....they will hold you back in the hope of someone's love, not to achieve a goal or a career....
It is difficult at this juncture to decide what I want to do with my life....I know I am burdening your tired and parched thoughts with my meaningless expression...But at the end of the day...I have to turn to my shadow for a place to hide....
Faint feelings
Sis...

I have my Big Bro back....

After what seemed like an eternity....I have my Big bro back.....From where, I'm not sure.....Why I'd misplaced him in the sheaves of time, I have no clue....What he was trying to show me...still seems terribly illogical...And inexcusable.....Yet...I have my Big Bro back....

I was sitting there as usual, watching the green "available" icon right next to his name in Gtalk...yet no "HIs and HELLOs"....everything was as usual....He was there, too busy in his own world...too busy to notice my presence, too busy to give me a few minutes of his precious time..Or so, I thought....And I didn't expect...So I'm there...And he says, "Sis, lets get back"...It didnt register, that statement....Get back?You really said that?Ritayan Mukherjee said that...whoa....My dada said that!...And then a cascade of violent bitterness was what my heart gave away....All that I'd kept in my heart for so soooo long....It just came flowing out...So many questions to be asked...so many answers to be given....And he gave them all....completely unconvincing then...but nevertheless all.....probably because he was really trying very hard to get back.....But it so didn't seem right then.....What time it was eh?...Scary...hehe.....Do I want to go back? NEVER...I re-acquire the shivers and the tears whenever I turn back just to look at what all has happened...What kind of test the both of us had been through....A complete emotional drain.....I pray everyday that no such stupid idea comes into your twisted mind ever again....Pain is the stepping stone in every phase of our lives...To pray for it to go away is completely futile....What I really wish for is that the both of us should have the strength enough to endure it and let it pass so that we can move on without the ashes of time smudging our memories....I hope we will always have the courage to put our lives back on track again, because that is the real spirit of life, what say?

And do I like being pampered and showered with sweet words after all this mess?Absolutely!I'm lovin' it!!!! It is grand to have the feeling of security being restored in my heart again [mind you its still under construction] And come to think of it,now I'm starting to make a little sense out of all that you were trying to do all along Dadu [mind you a little only....not all of it made sense...and the method- uh-oh NOWAYS] See....I was always right about this one thing, that you are my true idol and mentor....because its from you that I have learnt many important lessons for life....Whether its a difficult term I cannot understand or a tough problem that I cant stand...I always know who to ask not withstanding what relation I'm to have with the person....because you have filled in several un-fulfilled roles of my life.....a father, who's taught me to walk on the roughest of roads in the least easiest of ways....a brother who's given me his safe arms to hide in and protect me when I'm really clueless and just need a hide-out.....a mentor....tutoring me on how to perceive life in such a way that the most is done by me and not by others....so that no one else has to do the job of thinking for me....no one else has to deal with my emotions for me....I may not be emotionally dependent on anyone anymore...But sometimes its good to have someone to simply listen to us...or talk to us....to distract us from the pain we are going through....to give us little moments of joy.....And you play the role of that friend as well.....And ofcourse you're my fanciful dream guy....Yeah, maybe I'll never get a guy like you to marry...but some of your essential qualities just HAVE to be there..[Probably he's got one....your height :|].....Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm expecting a real lot from you....But then who else do I want to look upto?..At times we need that someone who will believe in us inspite of all odds....Who'll be able to visualize the big picture and see us there....Who has that unfailing faith that though we fall very often, it shows not our failure but our fearlessness to move ahead.....That someone who assures us that someday we'll make it to the top, but not without difficulties....And THAT someone is you......I tell you Dadu....if that day really comes and if I'll live to see the world from there, I'll definitely take you along for the view and shout out to everyone that look on people, he is one of those who held on to my hopes and never let go....You'll see......

And those absolutely rare moments...When the Big Guy with tough goals and incomprehensible vocab softly asks for generous display of love and affection from his baby sis....I love to pet him and play his role for a change.....those seemingly ordinary but extremely precious moments when you say" Oh sis, did I tell you how much I'm missing you?" or " Sis I got your card and I'm showing it around"...You sound like this little baby bro....And its these cute and beautiful word built images of you...When the Big Guy misses his "beta".....that I like to remember as the image of my Dadu....And that I like to say and cherish that I have my Big bro back.....From where, I'm not sure.....Why I'd misplaced him in the sheaves of time, I have no clue....What he was trying to show me...still seems terribly illogical...And inexcusable.....Yet...I have my Big Bro back......

Love you Dadu.....

Missing You.....

You know Dada, I always thought that I'm a flexible person,well adapted to change....and growth.....two inevitable faces of life.....But I accept, some changes, however gradual they might have been have still not become a pleasant part of my life....I'm still not able to cope with them because they're so irreversible......You have taught me, that everything in life has an advantage and a disadvantage......And I have learned it well....But somewhere....my emotions for you have stagnated.....frozen in those days.....when I had you, and a lot of you too.....Enough of you if I may say.....So much so that I couldn't see another person around me.....Dada is this....Dada is that.....Dada said this......Dada said that.....I should do this because he said it.....I shouldn't do this because he didn't want me to.......And you were right.......somewhere.....at the time when our love began to settle down....as a part of life......I didn't want it to be just a part of my life.....I wanted it to be the most important part of my life......Partly because our relation is celestial....partly because you filled in many holes....partly because I started feeling like I had a complete family.....Partly because I myself felt complete in your presence.....I donno.....None and too many to list out.....whatever it was.....We were travelling on the boat of survival, contending with the waves of betrayal and pain....on the river of our lives........Yet.....It  was the closest we got to each other.......There was a point,I still remember, when you very lovingly said, "You are an extension of me..."And never, after that did it happen again....If today, I was asked whether I was ready to have you back in that element if I had to pay the price of suffering the pain again, you know I'm mad enough to say yes.......Probably the intensity of my love has scared you always......Has made you keep me at a distance lately.....I don't quite know why......But whatever it is.......You have grown out of that stage....As a successful survivor which I'm happy about.....And a distant brother........Which I'm yet to digest.....I know it hurts you when I say this......But......probably it is because you're scared to open up to me anymore.......or you just don't feel the need to share your problems with me....probably I'm no doubt, an important part of your life...But something like....you know, the newspaper....or breakfast.....Something like I'm there because I have to be there, even if there's no need....because it is only when I mention this, or get angry with you, or make you upset or stop talking to you....that you realize that yea, probably I do need this girl......You know Dada.....I've had this very horrible feeling that our relation is becoming something like my first love.....and you know that didn't last that way....Maybe I'll still hang around in your life later because I'm your sister [thankfully not a blood relation coz probably then I'd have lesser importance and would be more of an obligation in your life] But do I want to be just that?No.....Probably I've never been asked or been given an option........But I still wanna say it........Today.....when I sat down to read some of our earliest conversations......I just broke down uncontrollably.....and surprisingly too.....I wondered why it is that I don't cry like this when I see any other person's conversations....even people who aren't a part of my life any more......And the only hapless explanation there is....is that there has never been anyone this important.....its so strange......That your care settled in me so deep.....This usually happens [probably always] with lovers.....or life partners or whatever.....It has happened with you too.....And that has I guess indeed brought you down to think that maybe I love you that intensely.....much more than a brother...much more than any other relation........I donno Dada....probably I do.....probably I do love more than I have loved anyone else irrespective of their relation with me........My love for you, is beyond the love for a parent, or a sibling, or a lover, or a friend.......I donno how far it has gone....or why....I donno if I was supposed to limit it because you or other people around would think otherwise about our relation......I donno....I donno if I should define my bond with you and give it a worldly name.......You never believed I'm sure.......But I worship you......More religiously than I worship God.....every little thing you do, every little part of your life, every wound, every smile, every exam, every pain......Its important to me.....very very important.......I would be lifeless without you........meaningless if I can be more precise......The way you loved me has left this deep a mark on my soul......probably because of the sensitive state of my mind at that time......Probably because I'd never ever been washed with so much of security....Probably because no one ever kissed my forehead so beautifully or held me tight so warmly.........probably because.....I could never trust anyone so intimately.....because I could never reach out until you.......probably no one ever saw me reach out before you....I donno why I chose it to be you to your utter misfortune :) ....But it just happened....when you first said, "Can I call you sis?" You're not just my perfect man, but also my perfect human being........the right amount of everything......I have genuinely told every man I've loved that you know,sometimes I wish you were like Dada.....One got irritated and jealous of you.....the other says am crazy about you......even went on to say, "Thank God for Rakhis" :) he he.......And I say nah, if he hadn't made me his sis,probably he'd be my boyfriend by now......But what I've never understood is.....why is it....that people who love each other and go on to become life partners are the only ones who can share everything and stay together? Why can't such a bond be there between a brother and a sister? Do I need to give our bond a different name to wish that?Isn't divine love a name strong enough to be of some significance?...but like the world shows [and I refused to believe it till I felt you trying to indicate the same thing] and you've said....I guess they put it that way.....which means I can't have you with me....beside me....close to me always.....Why I'm obsessed with that thought, I donno.....But right now,as I sit rubbing my irritated and wet eyes, I want nothing more than to be around you without saying anything....just observing you all day.....see how you talk to people...see you laugh.....see you smile....see you work.....see you eat and sleep[certainly not see you bathe, don't worry]......and I certainly hope to be invisible while doing that so that you don't get embarrassed as it always seems now....that's what I've felt in the past few months.....you're embarrassed to love me that intensely....But I don't want you to be....I'd rather you don't love me than be embarrassed.....I don't even know why I want to tell you all this......I don't know how badly you are going to react to this.....I don't know whether you'll give me too many explanations or be at loss of any if you read this.......All I really want you to know....is that I love you....and right now, I miss you more than anyone else......

You did it!!!

Today,when I asked my friends in orkut to congratulate you for your success, many of them told me that I'm lucky to have a brother like you and all I had to say to them was "Stale news guys, I knew that the day i met him first"......And you've grown.....grown every single moment after the beautiful beginning of our bond....Success and failure both have brushed your feet alike but neither could break you down or swell you up.....because there has been solidarity in one facet of yours and that's your principle.....the principle of life......hold on through the worst so that you can survive to see the best.....I have learnt innumerable things from you during this journey......Seen you through the worst....seen you through the best.....And there have been very few such precious moments as today, when you got something you so badly wanted and desired......your "yahhhhoooo" echoed in me like a spring of happiness brought to life......I have hardly been so happy about anybody's success.....even my own for that matter.....But today I feel proud that you made my statement of "I told you so" come true......I will always love you whether you fail or win in life because both are inevitable......But I know how important this achievement was to boost your confidence,which has taken a painfully long time to build up.....And to see that you have finally got it gives me tears of joy....You will perhaps never be able to perceive what your happiness means to me.....Its way more important than my own.....Perhaps the most important in my world......And seeing you successful in these major steps of life is like seeing parts of my dreams come true......But there are many more pieces to this kaleidoscope.....Which I am sure you will add one by one.....To give me the picture that will make sure that I die with utmost contentment in my heart......Do not be humbled by this, it is time to take pride in your confidence and put another courageous step forward in your path towards an independent life......And yeah if you're ever stuck in darkness,you don't need to worry......I'll be there holding the flashlight for you always......Be what you are Dada.....Dont ever let anything change the essential structure of your personality.....Be strong and be confident.....Am there to look over......Congrats dada......For CAT........love you the most! :)