Sealing the cracked barriers....

Today, I spoke to you...after how long,I'm not sure....All I know is that ever since then, I've been feeling unsettled....After so long...I wanted to try talking to you again....I asked you that, which I have always asked...I committed to myself," If today he says no, I'm not busy for you Sis, tell me...then I will ask him to take me back as a comfortable part of his life...but if he doesn't, dont have the thought again..." It was strange how my mind revolted the idea of being normal with you again and how my heart shamelessly hoped against hopes that you would say something as extraordinary as that....And extraordinary it was, because the ordinary happened...

Till late in the evening, there was a burning restlessness inside me...saying...just stop this....go to him....you need him....it is hurting you...how long will you run away from it?How long will you turn your back on that man? You cannot live without him...You know its not possible....But now, my heart has lost....And like a valiant failure, it is silent...and calm...the calmness after the storm has turned everything upside down prevails.......

I'm still looking at pictures of you and hanging on to each word of the poems you wrote to me...I'm still trying to look for and create an illusion of a brother through old chats....I still hold your bracelet to my heart and can't stop crying...I'm still trying relentlessly to tell myself that hey, those tears don't matter...I know that voice is stuck in your head....I know it has dissolved all the defences you had created with so much difficulty....But there is no point....The lights are out...Don't try to light the flame again....

You'll end up burning yourself....

Weathered memories...

Its been 10 days since I said goodbye...Everyday, in some form or the other, in a picture, a song, some forgotten lyrics, some old chats, a tinkling bracelet and a beautiful card...the only one I have....I have been seeing you around...I have not yet understood how to deal with your absence...Its been long since I dealt with the death of a relationship...And this one, I had given my life...

There have been several goodbyes before...But none have been so firm...This time, I don't know what was different...The conviction of my needlessness in your life...The height of listless frustration in the relationship...an unhealed disappointment....The completely erased picture of - Dada n Sis... I don't know...All I know for sure is that I have lost the capacity to face you without being overwhelmed with an emotion I dont want to familiarize with....I know when I felt like this last...It was long time ago...And I have not missed it at all...And yet, I just cant seem to dodge it...

I feel choked...almost like there is a noose choking my entire body...I squirm at your most leisurely interactions... And I dont know why I still seek the shadows in this over illuminated pandemonium of my life, whenever I think of you....All I know is that I need a place to hide away from that face...those eyes...that smile...

And the way you called me SiS.....

Happy Birthday...to a brother whose mine forever...

Dear Dadu
I know its late...This beautiful day has finally come to an end...But only on the calendar...In my heart, the significance of this date is perennial...Before everything else, let me wish you all the love and happiness in the world. May this year, and many years forth, bring you hope and joys that you have craved for....
We have been through many bumpy rides together...But thanks to the magic of "us", scars have begun to heal....Life seems easier with you close to me again Dadu...Its slow, but its for real....I'm beginning to feel you beside me again....within me...holding me close...shielding me from mishappenings....Maybe its because I'm trying really hard to understand you...Maybe its because you're trying really hard to show me how you feel....I donno....Maybe its both of us trying hard to hold on to each other....Whatever it is....Love doesnt just mean from me to you anymore.....It is from you to me as well...
You say you haven't been able to gift me anything.....I want to tell you that you cannot be more wrong than this....You dear brother, are my unique and unbelievably rare gift...When you are there, life seems refreshed each day....like the fresh breath of air after the first rains...In the days that have become a part of the recent past, the broken pieces have stopped hurting anymore....in fact, I've also managed to put some of them together to recreate that lost picture we had of us, in the frames of our hearts...
Something..somewhere within me...seems to be at peace....I finally have fewer complains in life...I guess, I can stop questioning fate for now....Because now..seems to feel much better....And you my dear brother,have done all of this...
So, on this blessed day I ask God to hold on to these precious, loving moments a tad bit longer...before spinning his time machine....so that I can relish ,in peace, being a part of a life that I'm proud of...A life that belongs to the indispensable you...I thank God....that I have the privilege of calling you my Dadu....
Happy Birthday Dadu!
With all the love my lil heart can give you..
Yours always
SiS.

A Place To Hide....

Dada, my magical brother,
Days, months and years are passing by...as I try to figure out why I'm getting lonelier by the moments...Is it me, or is this how life is supposed to be? I remember the times I encouraged you saying things in stark contrast of what I'm beginning to believe now...Is this the world for real? Is everyone going to stick to me only as long as I fulfil their whims and fancies? As long as I work at their beck and call? Will I be loved only if I fall at people's feet and stop questioning?
How long can I go with saying "NO" to all conventions Dada? I have definitely realized that my soul, my beliefs and my character are not just idealogically unconventional but completely out of place....which is probably why I feel sidelined in what I call "home" and feel lonely among those I call "friends"....
People suppress my whys dada....Im laughed at..Im scorned...My arguments for fair treatment are shoved off the shoulder as a teenage breakdown....But has life left me a teenager dadu? I feel exhausted at my "bloom"....Coz I seem to be blossoming into a decaying flower...which is shedding its petals with every storm.....Where emotions have turned their backs on me very comfortably....I confide in deaf minds...I hope of melting frozen hearts....My impossible dreams are reaching a new zenith of impossibility...And I dont know where it ends...
Im holding together bits of relationships that I really dont want to lose....But which are keen to abandon me....Im turning to people who have pushed me below their lowest of priorities...Im begging for a kind look and a warm embrace....
I need a recluse....Some calm and solace.....To gaze into the delights of life and fill my soul with fresh hopes....To live for myself....But...as easy and rational as that sounds...It is the most difficult thing in the world....I disagree to people who say you live only for yourself....When you turn at the last bend of life....your fears speak of what your loved ones would lose,not your aspirations....they will hold you back in the hope of someone's love, not to achieve a goal or a career....
It is difficult at this juncture to decide what I want to do with my life....I know I am burdening your tired and parched thoughts with my meaningless expression...But at the end of the day...I have to turn to my shadow for a place to hide....
Faint feelings
Sis...